Saturday, August 20, 2011

I'm crying.

Today is my third night in college.

I honestly am not completely in love with it but I'm no way in hell hating it. I'm lingering in the middle.

The great things about it is the freedom, which in all honesty I think will hit later on, the friends which I made a really close group and tons more. List wise:

1. Freedom
So I can wake up whenever, sleep whenever, roam whenever, blast music whenever, go out whenever.. basically do anything whenever. At first its like YES, I'm in control! But coming from a disciplined home, I start to realize how good rules are. Like, the ground me and mold me into proper control. I use the time I'm confined at home to read and study, to look up things, and come up with cool things. My creativity. Even though the days are young, it's like I have to make sure I still discipline myself.
Like clothes wise, I don't cover my arms as much as I used to and I'm not that self conscious of it. I don't care. I still refuse to wear shorts or skirts.  As far as visitation, I just jump from event to event. It's ridiculous. I love though that I still use my mind and I have a lot of great descisons for my own sanity. Right now, I'm missing an epic Midnight Tag game. I'm sure it's amazing, but I just went to the Party Like A Rawkstar and it was lamer than it turned out to really be. So I'm sure there will be a million events that can go ignored since there will be epic ones later on.. after all, this isn't high school!

2. Friends
So I have a close knit it seems of friends: Lynh, Laura, Alex, JP, Josh, Ben, Lizzie, and Dylan on occasion.
And it came to be so thanks to knowing Lynh, who dorms with Laura (her best friend), which is long time best friends with Alex (who is gay but looks and talks straight), who I introduced them to JP, and they introduced me to Josh, and Ben who we all meant through the Facebook UNCG group, which brings me to Lizzie who is the girlfriend of Laura (LESBIANS!!), and went to school with Dylan. I love this group thanks to many similar tastes in things, and many hilarious moments! At first it was awkward because I didn't know everyone as well as they knew each other, but we started to all get on the same page and do daily activities with each other! In three days, it's absolutely stunning how close we've become. We laugh hilariously and I feel good with these people. In detail: Lynh, me and her have so much in common! I love her music, clothes, and super blunt habits! She sometimes can steal the limelight but it's always memorable and funny. Guys love her and she is kinda scared to commit it seems? Laura is absolutely AMAZING. She's so sweet and at first she gave me the impression of a total geek but she has AMAZING style and SUPERCOOL talent! She's my photography buddy! Alex, I have a crush on him in the most non-romantic way. He's just super sweet and his gay sexuality makes everything stress free around him because there is no pressure to be a lady or be cute or anything. It's just a guy that I can just be completely normal with. But unlike gay guys like Ben, I can't take off my shirt without feeling awkward around Alex cause he acts straight. Ben, is this awesome guy with so much personality and opinions on more intellectual stuff, it is pretty awesome. He's sooo funny and cool to be with. He is one of those gay guys that you question his sexuailty but once he says "HELLO BITCHES".. you know he is! But he's absolutely cool as ice! JP I met at SOAR and I'm sure he has a crush on Lynh and just told me he likes another girl, but he I believe will be that guy I will always be just comfortable with and be that one guy that never changes through all the guys I met and fade away from! Josh, simply adorable guy! Just soooo amazing. He's hilarious too! I don't know him well enough yet but I'm planning on it :) Lizzie is straight up cool! She's a cool cat! She reminds me of the girl that I know, who is also a lesbian with the short hair and acted like a guy but everyone loved her. Laura is absolutely lucky to have her as a girlfriend, and vice versa! BTW THEY KISSED INFRONT OF ME (upon request) AND CORRUPTED ME! Dylan is funny and always perverted, but when we watched Marble Hornet, a scary youtube video series, he was SUPER OBSERVANT! It was amazing! He noticed small things  no one else does! He should work for the FBI  or something!
As much as I love this group to death, I'm not used to always hanging out with friends consistently, so I'm always worried if I'm invading their privacy or if they're sick of me yet. So I'm trying to hang out with them separately or collectively to get to know them better, and spending time with out people out of the group so they could forget me for a bit. In a good way haha.

3. Knowing myself.
I always knew this. I always come last. How so? In conversation, I always talk to the person about themselves and ask how is everything. I always indulge in their life. But when it comes to me, I'm super hesitant. Last night I was sorta depressed, well more like bummed, so I went to Lynh's dorm and acted like bummed out and they paid attention for a bit. It sucked that I actually had to try. I lied about the story of how depressed some girl I cared for was and how I couldn't help. I just wanted to be comforted a reason I didn't want to tell them. Today I called Nour to ask about how things like Maher and Meredith was going, and she did tell me, after basically telling me I usually don't give a shit about Maher and her's stories and making me want to cry, then peacing out before telling her how I'm doing or how all the above has happened. I just flat out said goodbye and then she messaged me telling me sorry and she didn't want to talk about it while she was in this state and blah blah blah. I didn't care. I honestly, didn't give a fuck. I was basically going to tell her everything, how I haven't fasted, how I haven't been thinking much, everything. The good and bads. She didn't want to know. I sat through the whole Maher breakup thing, gave her advice, then she left me. I cried. I legit just logged off and cried. Then she tried calling me back after sensing what happened and I declined both and said I just needed a lot of time to talk and I had something planned at 6am.. I don't. I do need the time part, but the event at six was a fluke. Basically it proved to me how much I can drop my emotions and needs to listen to someone else in need, but yet again, I'm always stranded with my problems. I don't have anything or anyone yet to sit and ask me as if I'm being interviewed and say, "Wait, why?". Most people just nod and smile or give me sympathy. Thinking about it, I'm starting to realize it's becoming more of a thing I just accept. Like know one gives a fuck, so I move on. I bottle my emotions, I bottle my stress, my anger.. then let it out in the dark. No one suspects, and thinks I'm absolutely fine with no temper or stress issues. Well, I'm not.

4. Family
I miss them. Since it's only been three days, there isn't much to say yet, but I do call and I talk to everyone. Iman and Faiza send me pictures and videos and stories and it's quite heart breaking. I'm just glad I can see them this weekend! I missed Aunt Maryan and AbdulBuwe visiting with Rayan :(

That's basically all for now. It's rough and smooth at the same time.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Where have I been?!

Oh yeah, lazying around.