Sunday, May 30, 2010

Breakthrough on Journalism

Has anyone seen the show The OCD Project?

Its about 6 patients who suffer from a form of OCD and going to get treatment for it. There's one about a girl who can't stop washing her hands for the fear of germs, and filth, one who has a fear of hitting a pedistrian, one fears causing a tradgy to someone by thinking it, and passing it to them by giving them something. One has the repetitve one, and another fears thinking negetive events on people.

Well whilst watching this, I felt inspired. I want to know how people are. Its still under construction but I want to know about someone. I want to write a narrative and put my opinions. I want to interview people on the extremes, who do something for a reason.

Any volunteers?

The Wedding.

Was really great. 
A lot of the ladies were stingy, but I made my mom proud, as well as my sisters, because we danced the traditonal dance in the name of her honor.

 My mom and I

And I saw my friend which I hardly see anymore, and she is sickness prone. Making her sick again last night.

My friend Afrah and I

I sowed my aunt's dress and she ended up wearing another. She called and she said that she would have worn it but she didn't have matching jewelry. But she called me today and thanked me. I felt special. 

And the bride looked so pretty, and she was shy all night.

The bride and I 

What I'm wearing is what a dirac looks like. I like them. It fit perfectly.

Honestly, I'm more enthusiastic about something else...

I have a new idea...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Insecurites/Flaws list 1-10 & Wedding

I have plenty.

  1. I don't like my hair. It's too short and not enough I can do with it. Its been experimented on and messed up. Also, I don't have the natural Somali hair. Its like if you're Mexican, but you have African American hair. Somali hair is different than mines.
  2. I can't be agressive, for the fear that people might take advantage of me. If I don't like something, I leave it, I don't fight it. So sometimes it gets on my nerves requiring me to leave for my sanity, does that mean they took power over me?
  3. As I mentioned why I don't ask for advice as much or fish for compliments two posts ago, I fear that people may really not have a reason to reassure or compliment me. I could really be stupid, ugly, and selfish, but no one will tell me this. 
  4. I'm afraid that I have good ideas, but I never complete them. Countless, infinity times has this happened. I'd be a genius if I could.
  5. I'm too much of a procrastinator. I hate this. I do it, but not enough time to perfect it.
  6. I cover up insecurity with occasional cockiness. I got called cocky twice in one day. And I'm not. If you call me pretty, I'll say thanks. If you call me outgoing, I'll say "you know it." If you say "The moca frapp is finer then you" I'll get defensive and be like "bitch please". I'm careful of what I'm cocky about. Sadly, its only things that are true.
  7. I have stretch marks like mothers on my hip bone area. It's disgusting because its dark lines instead of light. I don't know what that means. I'm afraid of bathing suits and bare midriff shirts because of this.
  8. I'm a good liar. Handy when I lie about my feelings. I don't need to explain to everyone why I'm sad. Or why I am printing pictures of girls with bare limbs. Or why I haven't answered my phone.
  9. I'm verbally challenged when I'm put on the spot. Especially when it comes to feelings.I can't say how I feel, I can just see it, and feel it.
  10. I'm always tempted to bite my nails, and eventually I do. Bye, bye long nails.  
                             Tonight is the wedding.                                

I'm nervous.

My aunt which I hate, she's 32, and by Somali culture, you're usually expected to marry young (Oh, Somali), bought her friend (who was nice) and she basically straightened my hair. I wanted to go get it professionally done, because my hair is damaged. And I could straighten it at home. But thankfully it turned out okay, once I made her fix it because it looked like a boy cut. Now the insides are still not straightened and poofy (because she didn't want to burn my roots) and my aunt was rushing her. Took total of 15 mins.
My dress is ready. I sewed it last night, as well as my sister's and my mom's. Now my mom's friend came by and I did her's as well.

My mom felt sympathic because she promised to take me to the salon to get my hair done and some lady quickly did it, and also my mom's friend was going to pay me to do her dress but since she helped out my mom said she didn't have to, soo in return my mom offered me $40. I wanted to cry.Why do you need to give me money?
I refused it.
She insisted.
I debated.
We compromised.
She said we can go to the salon another day. School's almost over so there's no point. And I have no need for the $20 so I'm going to save it and give it to her on a rainy day.

The dress I made for my mom, which she decided to wear another I messed up on.
Me :)

First one is the back, second is the front sides of the dress.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Quick update:

Just finished a 5 day fast. After shock of the fast is making me crazy.

I'm not I promise.

Wedding tomorrow. Pictures up soon!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'm outgoing, but secretive

I believe that everyone must keep at least one thing to themself, no matter what it might be.
Who you really lost your virginity to.
What you really think of your mother.
What you really want your dad to do to make it all up.
Something you witnessed, and regretted witnessing.
An illness no one knows.
Your morbid, scary thoughts.

Yes, you may have best friends, not the cliche ones, the ones that can read you like a book. You may have a spouse who has seen all your imperfections and flaws. A therapist. A blog.
But I was wondering, if you told somebody, maybe not all the same person, but someone, something dear and close to you, do you feel like you lost a piece of you?

Why I ask this is because, I told 6 people my eating disorder.
Casey: She claimed she had one to. Then proceeded to tell me if I remembered when she lost 20lbs in a week when she was going out with my friend. SECRET WASTED.
Alex: He doesn't get it. He thinks I starve myself every once in a while, and I don't like the way I look. He doesn't get the struggle to decide what to eat and how it will effect me. Or how saying no to a favorite dish is like saying no to a happy day, because I'm waiting for another.
Zaynab: Best reaction. She had one of her own, but it was more of her going vegan for weight purposes. I even showed her LiveJournal's anorexic/bulimic/ednos groups. I told her the most.
My sisters: Iman knows my daily thoughts. Faiza doesn't. Iman is 2 years younger. But she's my best friend. Faiza and me bicker too much, but we're only 3 years apart. I don't know why. Anyways, they are the only ones who know I purge. They don't tell. I tell Iman my dieting plans and if I purged. She tried losing weight, but she eats too much lol. But her trying has helped.
Internet: My favorite support. Even though we don't know each other very well, once I admitted my low self esteem problems, you admitted yours, and we led on to have a get-to-know you conversation, checked up on each other every day, and helped each other through struggles. You admitted to me what triggered you, your fears and sadness. I comforted you and told you mines. I met wonderful people, who I can talk to not only our eating disorders, but our dreams and random lives. Thank you.

But it doesn't end there.
I don't post when I'm upset on facebook.
I don't call my friends when I'm confused.
I don't talk to my family when I'm sad.

I let it pass.

There is only one reason why. I don't get the reaction I need. For example. If I get into a fight with my mom, which happens often so lets make it a huge fight. She said things that I haven't heard before, words I don't know the meaning to (because its usually said in Arabic or Somali). I'm furious and upset, and I've been crying. So now, for some strange reason, lets say I want to call someone and I need advice or something. This is how it normally goes:

Them: Hello?
Me: Hey.
Them: What's wrong? Have you been crying?
Me: Yeah. I got into a fight with my mom.
Them: About what?
Me: (enter reason here)
Them: Why?
Me: (why..)
*after they sucked every living question out of me*
Them: Oh.. damn. I'm sorry.

I can rant in my head. But my head wont give me advice. That's why I turned to you.

This is why I led myself to push my feelings into a bottle, let procrastination lead me away from thinking about them, and every once in a while, when the feelings get full, I let them out as tears from a bottle, let them pour.
And then close it back up. Tuck it back into my heart, clean and lightweight as possible. And the cycle continues.

So whenever I do tell someone, and maybe its not all of them who can't handle my problems because some have been helpful, I feel like I lost a few tears. As good of a feeling that sounds, there's always that risk of not getting the reaction, or response that I was edging towards. And by that don't mean word for word scripted response, but for someone to give me advice, or words of comfort especially that can make me feel better.

Because that's all I do.

Random Highlights of my Day:
I tried shroom tea. My friend Brandon made some and was worried about me, even though I took 2 sips. He drank a cup's worth and was hallucinating. I want to reach that point.

Ahmed deactivated his facebook again. I miss his midnight statuses.

Songs on my iPod got erased but 720/906 of them are back on my iPod now :)

Day two of fast completed. Going to go for three. 

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Oh Somalia.

Ello :)

So yesterday I planned to fast.
But noooooo. My dad wanted pizza for lunch. So I couldn't get out. And the religious reason couldn't be used, because it was way to late, and I could tell my mom.

By the way, the religious reason was because of Ramadan. It was back in Sept/Oct '09, and you fast everyday for a month, from sunrise to sunset. You break your fast with a date (fruit) and water, then my family usually eats a big dinner (which I usually purge). If you miss a day, you have to make it up. For females, you can't fast while you're on your period, so you usually make up those days. I missed like a week I'm sure. Overall, this holiday is festive, and brings everyone closer together. Its the one month my family eats dinner together. 

Anywhoos, I ended up having 2 egg salads, which were SODAMNGOOD, and then I went to a Somali welcoming party. 

Let's talk about our parties for a second. 
My mom made me wear a traditional dress, diraa. This is me last summer, on my way to my aunts wedding:

Gawjuss ain't it? That's what I'm wearing this Saturday, for my uncles wedding. I really like diraas because its a 3 piece dress. The orange thing (aka huge ass scarf) around my head (gbarsar), the colorful white/orange/blackish brown dress (diraa) and the skirt underneath because diraas are totally transparent (gonno), is a complete traditional Somali dress. Manyyyyy different colors, and styles. Oh and did I mention, these dresses are freaking EXPENSIVE! When we went to Paris, France last summer, my mom spent 400 euros on the gabarsar! WTF! So I'm definitely getting in on this business!

Well my mom and I didn't leave for the party which started at 8, until 9pm. Late ain't it? Yeah, Somali's love to be fashionibly late. Well what if everyone at the whole party was Somali? The party didn't start till 10.. smh. 

But we started dancing and eating. I was the youngest there... my mom was definitely right when she said only ladies her age were going to be there. And it was an all-girls (er.. women's) party. I had fun though. 

There's a wedding coming up and I need to learn how to dance traditionally. You get major points in the Somali community if you know how to master these dances. Last night, I barely danced. Not because I was shy, oh god no, but because there were no girls my age that I can be daring with, because all my life I've been in this community, I've done nothing but impress these old Somali ladies with my maturity, simplicity, lady-like manners, and shyness. Now.. this Saturday, at the wedding. I'M GOING OFF! 

Plus. I like getting dolled up ;) 

Let us observe what shall occur... 

A beach in southern Somalia

Friday, May 21, 2010

Blood = New Friends

      Okay, I have some explaining to do. Today we had our school's blood drive. Because I was on the women's lacrosse team (varsity might I add), I had to help out.

 A quick story about lacrosse: See, I was so obsessed this year to lose weight that I joined fall track, winter track,and even LEARNED how to play lacrosse just to make the team. Made varsity (but no one was cut, and there wasn't a junior varsity so I'm not to braggy about it) and spent 3 months of daily exercise and alot of learning! 

      So my job was to take care of the people right after they donated and give them food, but after an hour I got bored and started to walk around. I just went up to random people, and started conversations with "Oh you're donating today? Nervous?" or "You donated? How was it?" ending with great conversations :) I feel really good about it. Andd, this guy I've been interested since Nov finally gave me his number. About time damnit! But he called me his "guardian angel" because I was with him the whole 2 hours he was donating and afterwards while rehydrating AND I even escorted him to class, so its all good

Eating wise
I was walking around for 6 hours straight from one end of the gym to the other. I'm pretty much in shape, but my legs were killing me by the end. They feel better now, but damn, I know thats alot of calories burned right there! And I've been eating snacks that were burned off.. so good day!

Tommrow here's my plan: to fast. But for a religious reason that will be used for a dieting reason as well. Cheating I know, but I can kill 2 birds with one stone can't I?

I finished another sketch!
I'll post it tommrow or as soon as I find batteries. Its called "Lazy Sunday". I don't want to spoil it anymore so soon when I post it, judge it :)

Well I'm going to bed now. Good night :)

As for me, all I know is that I know nothing. - Socrates

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Hello loves :)

I'm a fan of blogs. Every since 2 years ago, I discovered them, I've been more obsessed about reading what you're up to. I don't know you, but I want to know what you're doing. What you're seeing. What you're eating. What you're feeling.

So I started a blog, but it was mostly for my eating disorder. Every time I talked about something else, I'd find a way to relate to my eating disorder. So for this blog, I would like to talk more about my other life. My eating disorder would be included, but I will talk about other things too. I got a twitter and a xanga for my ED stuff. :)

Let's start with the basics:
My name is Yasmin. I'm seventeen as of May 8th. I love to read, and listen to music. Doesn't everybody? But no, I have a sick obsession with books. And even crazier to add new music everyday to my 4GB iPod. But don't worry, I'm making it work!

So some people I'll introduce that you'll see frequently in this blog. Others I mention that aren't on this list, will be introduced as I go along :)

The Girls:
  1. Nour: My best friend. She's Lebanese, and one crazy ass chick! She's Muslim like me, and we understand each other completely. She can tell if I'm lying if I say "I'm fine.". Its great to have a friend like her :)
  2. Casey: My old best friend. We still are, but Nour is closer to me. Nour and Casey don't know each other, but know the other exsistance and a couple of stories I've told. I love her, but our ways of thinking, and interpretation on things are beyond far from each other.
  3. Hira: I love this girl. She's stunning, and gets all the boys. But she's very self-concious. I feel like shit next to her when we are ready to go out and she complains about herself. Kills me, but she is a type of friend you need. Unexplainable for now. 
  4. Aisha: She's my baby sister. Not really but me and her go way back! She's very straight up, but an angel. 
The Boys:
  1. Alex Y: He's younger than me, but he's a really close friend. I  really care about him, and once liked him. But now he likes me. He has had quite a life. 
  2. Alex H: I like him. I probably always will. A Kid Cudi look alike, and imagination larger than a preschooler, he's like my perfect match. But we'll never be together.. 
  3. Brandon: My Mexican twin. He's just like me. Well our way of thinking is. I wish he was my best friend. But he's so caught up in other things. But we are goood friends. We learn alot from each other (mostly me from him).
  4. Ahmed: My pen pal in MN. We just talk as much as we can on Facebook. I really like him, but more like a friend. I don't believe in long distance relationships unless they started out in presence. But anyways, talking to him is amazing. He's SUPER smart, and debating with him is a challenge. 
  5. Markus: He's this guy that we knew in elementary school .Messaged me one day, went on a date two weeks later. Because of my religion (Islam), I can't or rather shouldn't have been dating. He knew it all along and when I told him we'd never work out, he's been "fighting" and keeps talking to me. He's a REALLY sweet guy, but I'm trying to be more faithful and more balanced with my religion. 
Well that's all about them for now. 

Enjoy my posts :)