Saturday, August 20, 2011

I'm crying.

Today is my third night in college.

I honestly am not completely in love with it but I'm no way in hell hating it. I'm lingering in the middle.

The great things about it is the freedom, which in all honesty I think will hit later on, the friends which I made a really close group and tons more. List wise:

1. Freedom
So I can wake up whenever, sleep whenever, roam whenever, blast music whenever, go out whenever.. basically do anything whenever. At first its like YES, I'm in control! But coming from a disciplined home, I start to realize how good rules are. Like, the ground me and mold me into proper control. I use the time I'm confined at home to read and study, to look up things, and come up with cool things. My creativity. Even though the days are young, it's like I have to make sure I still discipline myself.
Like clothes wise, I don't cover my arms as much as I used to and I'm not that self conscious of it. I don't care. I still refuse to wear shorts or skirts.  As far as visitation, I just jump from event to event. It's ridiculous. I love though that I still use my mind and I have a lot of great descisons for my own sanity. Right now, I'm missing an epic Midnight Tag game. I'm sure it's amazing, but I just went to the Party Like A Rawkstar and it was lamer than it turned out to really be. So I'm sure there will be a million events that can go ignored since there will be epic ones later on.. after all, this isn't high school!

2. Friends
So I have a close knit it seems of friends: Lynh, Laura, Alex, JP, Josh, Ben, Lizzie, and Dylan on occasion.
And it came to be so thanks to knowing Lynh, who dorms with Laura (her best friend), which is long time best friends with Alex (who is gay but looks and talks straight), who I introduced them to JP, and they introduced me to Josh, and Ben who we all meant through the Facebook UNCG group, which brings me to Lizzie who is the girlfriend of Laura (LESBIANS!!), and went to school with Dylan. I love this group thanks to many similar tastes in things, and many hilarious moments! At first it was awkward because I didn't know everyone as well as they knew each other, but we started to all get on the same page and do daily activities with each other! In three days, it's absolutely stunning how close we've become. We laugh hilariously and I feel good with these people. In detail: Lynh, me and her have so much in common! I love her music, clothes, and super blunt habits! She sometimes can steal the limelight but it's always memorable and funny. Guys love her and she is kinda scared to commit it seems? Laura is absolutely AMAZING. She's so sweet and at first she gave me the impression of a total geek but she has AMAZING style and SUPERCOOL talent! She's my photography buddy! Alex, I have a crush on him in the most non-romantic way. He's just super sweet and his gay sexuality makes everything stress free around him because there is no pressure to be a lady or be cute or anything. It's just a guy that I can just be completely normal with. But unlike gay guys like Ben, I can't take off my shirt without feeling awkward around Alex cause he acts straight. Ben, is this awesome guy with so much personality and opinions on more intellectual stuff, it is pretty awesome. He's sooo funny and cool to be with. He is one of those gay guys that you question his sexuailty but once he says "HELLO BITCHES".. you know he is! But he's absolutely cool as ice! JP I met at SOAR and I'm sure he has a crush on Lynh and just told me he likes another girl, but he I believe will be that guy I will always be just comfortable with and be that one guy that never changes through all the guys I met and fade away from! Josh, simply adorable guy! Just soooo amazing. He's hilarious too! I don't know him well enough yet but I'm planning on it :) Lizzie is straight up cool! She's a cool cat! She reminds me of the girl that I know, who is also a lesbian with the short hair and acted like a guy but everyone loved her. Laura is absolutely lucky to have her as a girlfriend, and vice versa! BTW THEY KISSED INFRONT OF ME (upon request) AND CORRUPTED ME! Dylan is funny and always perverted, but when we watched Marble Hornet, a scary youtube video series, he was SUPER OBSERVANT! It was amazing! He noticed small things  no one else does! He should work for the FBI  or something!
As much as I love this group to death, I'm not used to always hanging out with friends consistently, so I'm always worried if I'm invading their privacy or if they're sick of me yet. So I'm trying to hang out with them separately or collectively to get to know them better, and spending time with out people out of the group so they could forget me for a bit. In a good way haha.

3. Knowing myself.
I always knew this. I always come last. How so? In conversation, I always talk to the person about themselves and ask how is everything. I always indulge in their life. But when it comes to me, I'm super hesitant. Last night I was sorta depressed, well more like bummed, so I went to Lynh's dorm and acted like bummed out and they paid attention for a bit. It sucked that I actually had to try. I lied about the story of how depressed some girl I cared for was and how I couldn't help. I just wanted to be comforted a reason I didn't want to tell them. Today I called Nour to ask about how things like Maher and Meredith was going, and she did tell me, after basically telling me I usually don't give a shit about Maher and her's stories and making me want to cry, then peacing out before telling her how I'm doing or how all the above has happened. I just flat out said goodbye and then she messaged me telling me sorry and she didn't want to talk about it while she was in this state and blah blah blah. I didn't care. I honestly, didn't give a fuck. I was basically going to tell her everything, how I haven't fasted, how I haven't been thinking much, everything. The good and bads. She didn't want to know. I sat through the whole Maher breakup thing, gave her advice, then she left me. I cried. I legit just logged off and cried. Then she tried calling me back after sensing what happened and I declined both and said I just needed a lot of time to talk and I had something planned at 6am.. I don't. I do need the time part, but the event at six was a fluke. Basically it proved to me how much I can drop my emotions and needs to listen to someone else in need, but yet again, I'm always stranded with my problems. I don't have anything or anyone yet to sit and ask me as if I'm being interviewed and say, "Wait, why?". Most people just nod and smile or give me sympathy. Thinking about it, I'm starting to realize it's becoming more of a thing I just accept. Like know one gives a fuck, so I move on. I bottle my emotions, I bottle my stress, my anger.. then let it out in the dark. No one suspects, and thinks I'm absolutely fine with no temper or stress issues. Well, I'm not.

4. Family
I miss them. Since it's only been three days, there isn't much to say yet, but I do call and I talk to everyone. Iman and Faiza send me pictures and videos and stories and it's quite heart breaking. I'm just glad I can see them this weekend! I missed Aunt Maryan and AbdulBuwe visiting with Rayan :(

That's basically all for now. It's rough and smooth at the same time.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Where have I been?!

Oh yeah, lazying around.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

High metabolism? Low? Bipolar?

Sometimes I don't watch what I eat. I'll have two bowls of ice cream, a slice of pizza, and a bowl of cereal in the first two hours I'm awake. These times, I don't care if I will gain or if I will get sick. I just eat mindlessly.

And then other times I'm petrified. What if I do gain?! What if I do lose all this muscle and become flabby?!

I honestly can't tell how high my metabolism is. But I have noticed this: As much as I eat (which has increased to a lot), I won't gain immediately. However, every day, I slowly gain something. I can maybe a loss, of muscle. I gain maybe an ounce of fat. Maybe I just gain lower motivation.

And there is no denying, you are always as confident as you look. As in whatever you see best. In my personal view, it's being healthy (apple > French vanilla ice cream), taking care of your body (exercise), and presenting yourself properly (clean clothes). The best times of my life, I was very close to these attributes. Right now, I'm not.

So I'm gonna pick back up on working out, and eating healthy. I'm okay with my body now, but I won't be later if I continue this summer lag.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I have a fucking fever, and swollen lymph nodes.

Neck is sore.

Body is hot.

Air conditioner (or is it just me?) is on cold.

I'm sleepy.

Head is throbbing.

Swallowing hurts.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Summer 2011 Reading List

The Love Letter Cathleen Schine 7/10

This book had a captivating start, slow middle, and a suspenseful last chapters. I was forcing myself to get through the book but I couldn't tear myself away from finding out what happens in the end. I loved all the charm each character had, how Helen had thought behind her actions thus allowing me to understand her motives, and the youth of Johnny. Emily was sweet, though not a huge character, and Lilian and Elenor (her mother and Grandmother) was dull and irrelevant till the last chapters. I recommended this book because you learn a few things about curiosities of love without age, and love of poetry.

The wording and grammar style bothered me till I got immuned to it in the middle. I admit, I skipped a few pages and just skimmed it because it was totally irrelevant.

The love and passion between Johnny and Helen was so raw and pure. He was completely engulfed in her and as much as Helen tried to deny it, she fell deep for him. The aggression, the passion, and the vulgarity was pretty intense. Overall, I'm glad I read it, and I will probably ponder it for a while.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Workout Plan

It's been ten days since I graduated and I still have not done one ab crunch or a single jog. When will I start?

I think I'll plan my week now.

Today: Guest and movie with my family tonight.
Tuesday: Work in the evening
Wednesday: Nothing
Thrusday: Nothing
Friday: Work in the evening
Saturday: Work in the evening

Okay, so here's the options:
- Ab workout
- treadmill
- leg lifts
- belly dancing
- weights

So heres the workout plan for this week:

Today: end the night with ab and leg workouts
Tuesday: Morning treadmill fast walk 3 miles
Wednesday: treadmill run/walk 100 mins
Thrusday: weights and ab workouts
Friday: Morning jog treadmill 3 miles
Saturday: Morning jog treadmill 3 miles

Anddddd break!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Post Graduation

I achieved it!! I felt it! I was... moved!

I got that shiny piece of paper declaring my end of high school. It was magical. So here's the timeline of it all:

9:25am: decide to get out of bed

9:45am: Sulayman comes to my door, though I was texting his sister about ride arrangements, and asked me in his loud manly voice if I wanted to ride with him. Excuse, my dad is upstairs. I was gonna go with my family (and Nour) around 1:30pm and have then enjoy waiting an hour and a half. But after I explained this to my parents, they decided to let me go with him.

11am: Nour finally arrives. I taught her how to walk in heels! She ended up hating them afterwards though. And she started to get ready about an hour before me! I'm just sitting there on twitter and she's panicking over her nails!

12:30pm: Nour gets a call from her mom saying how she has a book fine. Minutes of echoing screams in Arabic, she got this situation fixed. You see, we don't get our diplomas if we have a book fine. Well this fine wasn't supposed to be for a book since she turned hers in, but rather a calculator. Problem: fixed!

1:30pm: As agreed, I left to meet Sulayman at his house, and get a ride. So I got my dad to drive me 10 seconds there (excuse me, swear and heels? No.). Well, he's not even home. So I'm sitting in Aisha's room watching her get ready, when he comes around 1:40pm. Okay, no problem, but he decided to shave... wearing his white shirt. Blood. On the shirt. Panicky mom. Mind you we have to be there by 2, and guess when we left? 2. As we left, he said we'd be there by 2:20, he promised. As we passed my house, I saw my family entering the car -_- On top of that, he's a crazy driver! Stickshift, at 80 mph average. We almost crashed too, lovely. Finally we pulled into the parking lot and parked at.. 2:20pm exactly.

3pm: After finally finding my place and calming down, we started! It was beautiful. The anthem was done beautiful! The speeches didn't even fail to have the funny personalities we usual have. Thilman (principal) even added to add the staff now on twitter! Kylie introduced Safiyah (valedictorian) and she was crying by the end! Safiyah's speech also was the most amazing. She quoted "Fireworks" by Katy Perry, and talked about how people don't get her name right. But all in all, inspirational! Then, we walked the stage. It was nerve racking. Remember that "Don't clap till the end" rule? Yea, after 1/4 of the class got their diplomas, the rule was instantly dropped! Thank god I'm the first ten! My name was pronounced it's correct way, part of my mission to go by it more! And walking off, I almost tripped. Classy. Dad and Iman both have a video.

4:30pm: I got my diploma, and took a lot of pictures. Dad hugged me hard, quite emotional. MY MOM SAID HI TO MARIO! Yea, Nour did not really tell him she was coming. I met his mom, so pretty! Dad turned around and patted his chest before saying congrats with a handshake and Mario looked so scared (I was told). I'm not surprised, he's afraid of my dad! My family also met Yodit! MARCELL HUGGED ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD! Yea, please, don't ever do that! We left and Nour got to stay the whole ceremony, and her dad picked her up at the parking lot. Which sucked because of the backed up cars.

6pm: GOLDEN CORRAL! It was delicious. I had 4 plates. And I ran into kenyan Philip too!

9pm: Couldn't breathe or move due to the excessive food intake. Purge.

10pm: Arabic! I've improved!

All in all, FANTASTIC day! I got a phone call from Aunt Katro as well! I don't need presents and overwhelming glory. I'm glad I achieved what I got today. And with that, good night!