Thursday, March 31, 2011

My dad

Installed a family locator thing on his phone to track where I am at all times.


He told me Monday when we were at UNCG but I thought it was more of a joke. Now, in the middle of my apparel class, I get a text from Sprint telling me my dad stalks me.

It's one thing that I lie and tell him I'm somewhere else, buts another that I seriously thought he trusted me and now that I'm off to college I'd expect more freedom and trust. But we just landed back on square one, if not further back.

Not to mention last night obtained to Ahmed from 2 to 4am last night. So I'm beyond sleep deprived and ugly as shit. Then I found out that I'm missing work for a teacher stresses me out more, but the addition of my dad is making this all 10x worse.

I'm gonna talk to my mom and she was she says. Else I'm left with the option to either stop taking my phone with me everywhere or get my own. I don't know at this point. All I know is that I need to stop crying and sniffing in this class.

Monday, March 28, 2011

College Visitation!!!!! Part 2


Ah, the buildings, the people everything! So lemme go into detail.

First thing, a lady talked about basics and such. Then three current students divided the groups based on majors we choose. I was put into the science majors. My tour guy, Adam, was hot! Frat dude and amazing.

So apparently UNC-G never tears down a building. Only renovate. So the buildings are all old fashioned and historic looking, but renovated to look more modern and have amazing formats. Their library is NINE STORIES TALL! Can someone spell heaven for me??
There is the EUC building that has most cultural and such rooms for conference and meetings.

So I figured out the hunch about why UNCG is predominantly female. It was originally an all girls school! In the thirties think, it became coed.
Mist of the people I saw were white or black. They all looked amazingly interesting though! Their was a protest looking group with orange bands around their arms, I don't know, there were black hot dudes, white hot dudes, fashion looking girls, etc. There was even this blond Afro dude! People were bundled up so no say on major fashion styles besides the numerous UNCG wear.

So I'm gonna major in Nursing for sure. Or public health. I think it's nursing but I'm taking Public Health classes first two years haha. The major has a 100% job placement rate afterwards!



As excited as I don't look right now, I am!

Today, my parents and I are visiting UNC-G! I'm 90% already going there anyways so I'm gonna take careful notes.

Shit I didn't print the things to ask list I wanted to ask. But no fear, this Saturday, there is an orientation for admitted students and things they need to know for college.

Things I'm curious about right now:
-Strength of the medicine program
-Roommate assignment
-Classes and times
-Honor classes
-online classes

My ideal schedule is about 6 or 7 classes a week. Why? I like school. Hate.
Anyways. An 8am class is perfectly fine. Considering if I have a 9 or 10am class after, and if I have time to stop by to switch loads of books or not. Then I would like to seduce my classes all in-between 8am to 3pm. I am not a fan of a night class. If I must, I'm okay with it, but just like high school, I'd rather complete it all at once. I can fit in 8 one hour classes in there, so my ideal schedule fits.
I would typically like (if I had 6 classes) for 4 of then to be core (math, English, a science, maybe two?) and the other two to be an elective (ballet, piano) haha.

I already know this:
I want to do piano asap. Vocal music can wait till second semester.
Not doing bio and chem in the same semester.
Try to find honor classes if I can. English probably.
Art classes for sure

I don't know how many I should do? I mean yea, let the first semester sink in and let things get settled, so maybe one or two? MSA definitely.

Sports ever in college? Hahahahahahha. No. Too intimidating. Maybe a club or find some friends who play womens lacrosse.

One thing I want to get good at is networking. Enough said.

Now, I'm gonna study for my psych test tmw, update later!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Fatass. Fatass. Fatass.

I want my self control back. I want my crazy calorie counting back: I want my professional nutrition mind back.

I want my binge terror nights, and my hunger highness back. I want my pornography pictures of models staring right back at me subliminally telling me I'm almost there.

I want my hours of daydreams, of the new me. The person I've created to live out how I'd become when I get to my goals, pushing me and motivating me to be like my alter ego.

I want my resistance back. My pages of lies, secrets, and sneaks back.

I want my days of walking down the hall, 3lbs lighter but feeling 10 levels higher. I want my morning filled with hipbone squeezing, thighs comparing, belly ribbing and collarbone touching, knowing I lost fat. I want this endless 'you're so tiny!' and 'how did you get so tiny?' remarks back.

I want binge till blood nights, deducting calories from my list back. I want shameful cheats followed by vigorous exercising back. I want cries and shame, exile and blame, on "how I could have let myself go and to catch myself before it's to late" nights back.

I want my worldwide social networking friends back, they ones who understood when I said "purge" and "negative calorie". I want the support they gave, cause I still have support to give.

This is who I was, and though some say it's for the best, I'm at the point where I've let things flow however they go.

Well, I'm done. I need order and control. I need my anorexia and bulimia back.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Contagious feelings

Everyone is a pessimist.

My heart feels heavy as everyone complains about their problems, worries, and anxiety. And I do my best to advise them, comfort them, etc. But it's gotten to the point that I just want to wear a short screaming "If you have an issue, don't tell me!".

Also, everyone seems to be wanting for from me. Drive me here, take me there, give me this, tell him that, do this now, be here then. It's fucking insane. It almost makes me want to be mean, like a cruel bitch.

I'm spring. It's beautiful outside. I expected people to be high off the weather which is warmer than ever. I expected people to be nicer, and less stressed. Or even if they have inescapable problems, the air would let them forget.


People are just more obnoxious than ever. I'm about to give up on them and exile myself for a bit.

Monday, March 21, 2011

I'm in love

With Lupe Fiasco's album, Lasers.

And his name.

Sunday, March 20, 2011


Is a great morning activity.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

Books books books

Today I bought Les Miserables by Victor Hugo today from Barnes & Nobles and I'm crazy happy.

Till I looked at my library account which I've neglected.

I owe them $216.76.

How I survived all this, I steal books from the library.

:3 I'm a rebel.


Predicted weather tmw is supposed to be niceeeeeee.

Research paper in the library at lunch time whooohooo!

-_- goodnight

Iman iise

"Leave me alone".

There's a certain pitch when my moms voice goes from daily anger to pissed the hell off to actually voice quivering.

I made her cry once or twice. But Imani has made her cry 3 or 4 or maybe secretly more. I don't know. But it's not at all a good feeling.

I don't know what to do.

I want to attempt to call my dad but, because of the rarity of me doing so, it's equivalent to her doing something dangerous. And it would make everything a bit more serious.

She's threatened to leave us before. Sometimes she says she'll take only my little brothers. If there was a court case, both of my parents would fight for them.

I don't know about my sisters, but I'd be the last. Besides the fact that I am the oldest, I'm never around anyways. As of junior year, I'm always out doing sports, tutoring, sneaking places, whatever. This adds to playing a lesser role in my family creating a huge gap between, and now with college it's just gonna get worse. I already feel distant, but I'm gonna feel like an alien soon.

But back to my mom. I love her and all that mushy stuff. But besides graduation, I don't ever want to see her cry.

So got called upstairs for dinner to which I did not want to argue with my mom.
But, turns into a huge rant about my sisters (I'm never home so I'm really just "useless") and she seems really depressed. Like there is no goals. She has them but she has to put them on hold for us. She does everything but we treat her harshly. For her to grow up in Somalia and experience obedience toward family elders, then to have her own kids who don't treat her the same, it's quite devastating.

So there was this "kite project" for Abukar and that's what started this whole mess. Apparently they thought this paper kite had to actually fly. Directions stated to only decorate it! So I took over and got it done in 10 mins. What angers me is the fact Iman said she'd do it, but then allegedly threw it at my mom and said she was too busy to do it (though se had 3 days prior and she told my Dad she'd do it an hour before). I mean really? It was 10 mins!

Bet she didn't even read the directions.

Hopefully that cheered up my mom but she still cried more and I hate this guilty feeling.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Open Relationships

Friday night I saw my 1 1/2 hr boyfriend, Alex.

On valentines day, he got a gf. I found out of course through facebook. We promised each other we'd notify the other but sadly, he broke his promise.

So I confronted him, he fessed up, and he just didn't know how to tell me. Of course I wasn't mad or anything.

So this Friday, when we met up, I had no clue of their relationship status. We got into a conversation about who we care about and he said he doesn't feel connected to anyone at his college, so of course- perfect moment for me to ask about the girlfriend ;).

He's still with her. -_-

BUT he doesn't think they'll last long due to her "low maturity level". Fine with me :)

So we remained good all night long, talking for hours and hours. We first went to the baseball field, then to this lane of stores and a movie theater. We went to Borders(looked at books of quotes and religion) , Rue 21 (superrrr cute clothes), Old navy( I made him try on shirts!) and this 5 below store where everything was $5 or below. We stole these one dollar key chains (just for the hell of it) that had the Taurus symbol because we both are taurus :)

Headed back to the car were he gave me an amazing massage and drive him home where he kissed me on the cheek and I talked him out of kissing me on the lips, to which he was very thankful I did. And so I'm i. :)
So what I learned:
1. He hates change(coins).
2. He is very messy with folding clothes.
3. He's good with massages.
4. Dangerous to my car.
5. Safe to be around when in a relationship :)


The matching stolen keychain :)


So this past Saturday I did something rebellious.

My friend Kendall in my AP World History class hosted a party for us and a few other of his friends. And of course as a year long class, we've been together for so long, I really wanted to go. But:
1. I had work from 11:30am to 7:00pm; the party starts at 5:30pm.
2. I didn't have the car.
3. Hosted by a boy.

So. I told my mom the truth.

Just kidding! I told her it was hosted by Nafisa, my Indian friend she met. But everything else was generally the truth. And she was okay with it! My Asian friend Winnie, was going to pick me up from work and drop me off at home. So the plan went through.

It was quite refreshing actually. It was a food party since his mother is a cook, so we ate, played rock band, and talked the night away. No alcohol, no drugs, no sex related influences (besides jokes and that amazing massage train!), all pure. I loved it.

I meet cool people, got closer with classmates and learned things. I really hope I have more of these soon!

Oh except one drag. Dad. He found out by mom after I got there and called me as soon as Winnie picked me up. I ignored it. I knew what he wanted. Again an hour later while I was there. Ignored it for a bit and called him back.

Basically he was mad I didn't tell him. He did drive me to work but we discussed college so I kinda had I good save. Plus I knew he'd say no. So he demanded I go home, I said no, he said soon, I said I'll try.

I got home at 11:30pm.

Next morning: mini lecture and the end.

Not bad. Besides I had alot of refreshing fun :)


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I'm lost.

I don't know me anymore.

Boys are

Smell nice.

Oh boy.

"You may not graduate"

I spent hours studying for AFM. I failed it junior year and now again in senior hear, I'm failing. So I got a tutor who explained everything to me. She really helps me and everything! Yet when it got to the test, I got a 52. How?

So I wet to see my councilor, finally, and broke down. Unfortunately I can't change the class. In fact if I don't pass, I don't graduate.

But, aha! I've got an option! An escape!

I still have to stay in AFM unfortunately. However I can do independent study! That way I'll be on a college tech path (thanks to apparel classes!) instead of 4 yr college path! Even though I'm accepted by UNCG, it's okay! This time though, I have to learn it by myself.

I figured out and so did my councelors, that I'm an independent learner. And it's true. I tend to zone with when there is people around, and avoid full learner cause it's less intimidating. So at this point it's safe to say, I will graduate and hopefully UNCG will be okay if I still failed.


Friday, March 4, 2011


So apparently it exists.

I got a math tutor because I'm already failing it and I can't fail it again! I'm not focusing 100% as I should. This is why colleges look at your third semester grades. They are full aware of senioritis that hits students that they want to make sure of they let go, they don't completely let go!

Same applies for me in AP world history and AP Psych. I don't take notes and yet I am too lazy to read afterwards. I'm pretty sure I bombed my AP Human Geography test for some reason.

I'm gonna have to hold on a bit and focus a lot harder if I want to remain on the road of the colleges and avoid a "just kidding, you're rejected" letter later!

But one thing that gets me is senioritis' effect on EVERYTHING. I can't perform hobbies and leisure stuff as easily as I used to. I stopped volunteering at the library in November(full year) and I've also quit leisure reading. Tonight, I didn't have work or go out. I planned to make shumshumo yet I napped all day. I was technically was supposed to belabysitting too. I'm horrible.

I don't like this. I'm lazier than ever. I don't do shit. I'm just trying to at this point make it to the weekend without crashing. I get by with sleep deprivation with forceful naps and intense and useless cramming.

A friend, not a teacher/parent/doctor explained cramming sessions with all nighters are pointless. I can't tell you how much that makes sense. I really need to adjust my schedule with sleeping and studying.

- AFM: doesn't really matter much, just learn and understand everything every night
-AP Psych: read ahead to atleast not having to write everything in notes. Start now!!
-Apparel: LOL
-Arabic: Just do the work. On time.

This way I can develop a really good habit for college. I thought learning how to remain alive without sleeping would do the trick but I think I nap so much because I am so sleep deprieved to the point a nap won't but me on track. Accumulatively I need to sleep on proper hours and wake up fine. Even about waking up, its so damn hard! Faiza wakes me up 4-5 times before it's more like "Oh shit."!

I may be a little less cranky and moody as I have been lately.

So with better sleeping patterns, and smarter studying habits, senioritis might go away and I can enjoy my last youthful year in the crazy world of high school.