Who you really lost your virginity to.
What you really think of your mother.
What you really want your dad to do to make it all up.
Something you witnessed, and regretted witnessing.
An illness no one knows.
Your morbid, scary thoughts.
Yes, you may have best friends, not the cliche ones, the ones that can read you like a book. You may have a spouse who has seen all your imperfections and flaws. A therapist. A blog.
But I was wondering, if you told somebody, maybe not all the same person, but someone, something dear and close to you, do you feel like you lost a piece of you?
Why I ask this is because, I told 6 people my eating disorder.
Casey: She claimed she had one to. Then proceeded to tell me if I remembered when she lost 20lbs in a week when she was going out with my friend. SECRET WASTED.
Alex: He doesn't get it. He thinks I starve myself every once in a while, and I don't like the way I look. He doesn't get the struggle to decide what to eat and how it will effect me. Or how saying no to a favorite dish is like saying no to a happy day, because I'm waiting for another.
Zaynab: Best reaction. She had one of her own, but it was more of her going vegan for weight purposes. I even showed her LiveJournal's anorexic/bulimic/ednos groups. I told her the most.
My sisters: Iman knows my daily thoughts. Faiza doesn't. Iman is 2 years younger. But she's my best friend. Faiza and me bicker too much, but we're only 3 years apart. I don't know why. Anyways, they are the only ones who know I purge. They don't tell. I tell Iman my dieting plans and if I purged. She tried losing weight, but she eats too much lol. But her trying has helped.
Internet: My favorite support. Even though we don't know each other very well, once I admitted my low self esteem problems, you admitted yours, and we led on to have a get-to-know you conversation, checked up on each other every day, and helped each other through struggles. You admitted to me what triggered you, your fears and sadness. I comforted you and told you mines. I met wonderful people, who I can talk to not only our eating disorders, but our dreams and random lives. Thank you.
But it doesn't end there.
I don't post when I'm upset on facebook.
I don't call my friends when I'm confused.
I don't talk to my family when I'm sad.
I let it pass.
There is only one reason why. I don't get the reaction I need. For example. If I get into a fight with my mom, which happens often so lets make it a huge fight. She said things that I haven't heard before, words I don't know the meaning to (because its usually said in Arabic or Somali). I'm furious and upset, and I've been crying. So now, for some strange reason, lets say I want to call someone and I need advice or something. This is how it normally goes:
Them: Hello?
Me: Hey.
Them: What's wrong? Have you been crying?
Me: Yeah. I got into a fight with my mom.
Them: About what?
Me: (enter reason here)
Them: Why?
Me: (why..)
*after they sucked every living question out of me*
Them: Oh.. damn. I'm sorry.
I can rant in my head. But my head wont give me advice. That's why I turned to you.
This is why I led myself to push my feelings into a bottle, let procrastination lead me away from thinking about them, and every once in a while, when the feelings get full, I let them out as tears from a bottle, let them pour.
And then close it back up. Tuck it back into my heart, clean and lightweight as possible. And the cycle continues.
So whenever I do tell someone, and maybe its not all of them who can't handle my problems because some have been helpful, I feel like I lost a few tears. As good of a feeling that sounds, there's always that risk of not getting the reaction, or response that I was edging towards. And by that don't mean word for word scripted response, but for someone to give me advice, or words of comfort especially that can make me feel better.
Because that's all I do.
Random Highlights of my Day:
I tried shroom tea. My friend Brandon made some and was worried about me, even though I took 2 sips. He drank a cup's worth and was hallucinating. I want to reach that point.Ahmed deactivated his facebook again. I miss his midnight statuses.
Songs on my iPod got erased but 720/906 of them are back on my iPod now :)
Day two of fast completed. Going to go for three.
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